Being truthful about yourself, your emotions and weaknesses is one of the best things you can do in life. However, in Chinese culture being vulnerable is not encouraged. The problem with that is when you constantly try to be strong, you never learn how to deal with your emotions.
But we all know that the key to a successful marriage, relationship, family and friendship is trust. Trust is built on being vulnerable — on knowing that you must be fully transparent with another person in order to have an honest and intimate relationship.
Why do most Chinese find it difficult to be vulnerable?
1. We have an unrealistic expectation of perfection
As Chinese, we often have an unrealistic expectation of perfection that makes it difficult for us to be vulnerable because we want everything we do to appear flawless in order to protect our reputation.
This is because we place a high importance on image and reputation. This means that we take great care in building a good reputation, and we don't want anything we do to damage that reputation, which is why we practice emotional restraint at work. As a result of this emotional restraint, it can be difficult for us to share their true feelings with colleagues when things go wrong or when things aren't going well for us.
This brings us to the next point...
2. Being vulnerable and asking for help is considered a sign of weakness
We know that feeling vulnerable will make us look weak, and as Chinese people, we value strength above all else. We value the strong ones, who can stand on their own feet. We are afraid that if we show weakness, people will see us as stupid or incompetent or both, so we would rather suffer than ask for help.
I believe this is one of the greatest challenges Chinese people face: how to be vulnerable without losing face. This is a difficult challenge because it requires us to be honest with ourselves and others. It forces us to stop thinking about what other people think about us and start having the courage to pursue what we want to achieve in life.
3. We have been brought up in a culture of control
When we were young, our parents tried their best to shield us from negative emotions and taught us that when we are confronted with problems we should not show any sign of weakness or vulnerability.
This sense of inferiority towards being vulnerable is deeply ingrained in our personality. We want to look strong and in control of things even when we're not. But this is a very destructive habit.
Being vulnerable allows us to share our true self with others, to build meaningful relationships and to find solutions to problems that previously seemed unsolvable. It allows us to truly be ourselves without pretense or fear of judgment.
4. We are afraid of gossip, and being judged or ridiculed
We all experience pain, setbacks, and failures at some point in our lives. But we're not good at sharing these feelings with others because we need to protect our images—our carefully constructed facades—and avoid being judged or looked down upon by others. As a result, we end up bottling up our emotions until they become too much for us to handle sometimes exploding without warning in destructive ways.
5. We have never learnt how to be vulnerable from their parents
It's not that we don't feel, it's that our parents never taught us to be vulnerable. Our parents are tough and strong, so they expect us to be the same. They think that if we are soft, we will be weak.
They never tell us how much they love us or how proud they are of us. They don't want to show any weakness to anyone else; they don't want others to see them being emotional. It's considered embarrassing if someone sees you crying in public.
They never say "I'm sorry". Sorry is used when you make a mistake, but we Chinese don't want to admit we made a mistake because no one likes to make mistakes.
They also don't like to talk about their feelings or problems with other people.
How then we are able to do that for ourselves?
It’s never easy to be yourself, and it is even more difficult when raised in a different culture. It takes time to adapt to a new way of living. The tip is to be slowly but surely vulnerable, but at the end of the day, you’re the one who can make the change. Being vulnerable is a sign of strength and courage. You have the power to start being more honest when you find it hard to show feelings or trust your instincts or understand yourself better.