The phrase "I love you", in recent years, has become a widespread phenomenon. You see it everywhere from movies to music to literature, and especially on the internet. It is a common expression used when one person feels affection for another and wants to express their feelings in a romantic way.
For the Chinese, this phrase is rarely said by lovers or even friends. This is because the Chinese language does not have a direct equivalent for this phrase. The closest thing that we have is "wo ai ni" (我爱你), which translates literally to "I like you". However, we rarely use this saying between lovers or friends. Instead the Chinese people say "wo xihuan ni"(我喜欢你), which means "I like you".
Both of these phrases are widely used between friends and family members. We also tend to use them more often than lovers do in other cultures. Why? The answer lies in our culture and parenting style as well as our upbringing.
1. Our Parents Never Used It
Chinese parents are very familiar with the phrase "I love you," but they are less likely to say it to their children. Our parents never used the phrase to tell us that they loved us. No wonder we have a hard time saying it and feeling good about it! We don't remember them ever saying it, so when we say it, we may feel awkward about it or even fake about it.
It reveals an uncomfortable truth about Chinese parents: They don't show as much affection as parents from other cultures do in front of their children. For example, my mom hardly ever kissed my dad in front of me, and my dad never told me I love you.
2. We use other ways of saying it
If you want to know if someone loves you or not, look at their actions.
They're more likely to show their love through gifts and random acts of kindness rather than just verbalizing it.
For instance, they might buy you a flower or take you out for an amazing meal they know you've always wanted to go but couldn't afford on your own.
This is how we show affection, and of course, love.
3. Fear that our love would not be reciprocated
Loving someone or something creates an expectation from other people and from yourself that this love will be reciprocated. The Chinese do not want to be hurt by those expectations and thus do not say I love you to their lovers or family members because they do not want to be let down by them if those feelings are not reciprocated.
It's important to note that for the Chinese, saying "I love you" comes with a lot of pressure attached to it so most people try to avoid using this phrase altogether unless they really mean it. It's very much like saying "I'm going to marry you!"
4. Fear of being vulnerable
The Chinese think that "I love you" is a big commitment. This is the number one reason why most Chinese people will not say "I love you" to their partners.
For the Chinese, when they say those three words too soon in a relationship, especially just after a few dates, it means that they are making a huge commitment and being vulnerable with each other. They feel that once they say those words, there is no going back and therefore, if things do not work out for them in the future, then it would be awkward and uncomfortable for both parties to deal with each other after the breakup.
However, saying "I love you" too early can also scare away some guys as well. This is because some guys feel like once their girlfriends say these three words too quickly in a relationship, then it makes them feel like they have to make some sort of commitment back to their girlfriend such as moving in together or getting married really soon.
5. We do not really know how to love
We do not really know how to love. Nobody really taught us how to love. We did not learn it in school. There are no courses for us to take. We have only inherited our beliefs from our parents.
The Chinese have an idea of what love should be but very few people have experienced it. From our parents' generation up till today, many couples who are married for over twenty years still do not understand one another and do not really know each other's true feelings and emotions. They get together because of family and societal pressure instead of getting to know one another first.
6. We are fearful of judgment that our love is imperfect
Chinese people generally consider relationships to be a lot more complex than those in the West and think that it requires more work to maintain them. There are tons of relationship rules in China and most people feel that if you follow these rules, your love life will be successful.
These rules are extremely difficult to follow and no one can really keep up with all of them perfectly. Therefore, saying "I love you" comes with great fear of being judged for not following all of these rules perfectly and therefore having an "imperfect" love life.
Often, when we do not say "I love you" to our loved ones, it is because we want the best for them. We want them to be happy and are afraid that they might leave us if we were too open with our feelings. But trust me...It's better to lose your lover with saying "I love you" than having him/her never know how you truly feel about them by not saying it at all.