Being Chinese, we hate confrontation. We don't like to be in conflict because we value harmony. "It's OK. No problem" is our favorite response to all kinds of problems, even if the problem has already been resolved. The truth is that being nice makes people feel better, even if you are lying. Saying "no" or "I can't do it" makes people feel bad and guilty, even if they can do it.
But confrontation is necessary if we want to improve our lives and careers. So what should we do? As Chinese, we avoid confrontation in the name of harmony. We try not to hurt other people's feelings and expect them not to hurt ours. But this strategy often leads us to act passive-aggressively instead of directly communicating with others when we have a problem – which only worsens the situation!
Instead of avoiding confrontation, there is another way of handling confrontation that makes it possible for both sides to win and become happier in the end: Carefrontation.
Carefrontation is Kindly and Gently confronting
Carefrontation is the art of confronting another person in a caring way. It means taking the time to explain why it is important that their behavior change and how to do that. It means understanding how they are feeling and focusing on what they feel rather than focusing on what they do. It means listening to them before speaking and making sure they know you are listening by using empathetic statements such as, "I hear you saying…."
Carefrontation pairs confronting someone with kindness and gentleness because if someone feels attacked then they will most likely defend themselves. If they do not feel attacked then they will more likely be open to change.
Confronting With Empathy and Understanding
As with any conversation, the main rules of carefrontation are to stay calm and be respectful, both of yourself and of the other person. If you need to be right or have it your way, you're doing it wrong.
The most important thing is to listen carefully and acknowledge what the other person is saying. This does not mean that you must agree with them, but it does mean that you should pay close attention to what they say and not interrupt them. It is okay to ask questions if there is something unclear about what they are saying, but resist the urge to argue just for the sake of arguing.
Show interest in their point of view — even if you think that they're wrong — by letting them know that you understand what they're saying.
A few examples - "It sounds like you had a very difficult time during your last trip abroad," for instance, encourages them to continue talking about this experience instead of shutting down from frustration or shame. "That must have been very frustrating," gives them permission to feel upset without making them defensive.
Carefrontation means resolving differences, growing together
When we face a challenge and choose to confront it with care and compassion, we can grow from it. We learn from this experience and become better as a result. Confrontation is no longer about overcoming others but rather about overcoming ourselves by growing together. This can be applied to any relationship in our lives: our partner and children, friends, colleagues and even strangers. How we go about dealing with difficult people makes all the difference in how successful we are in achieving our goals and fulfilling our desires.
Carefrontation is not easy; it requires self-awareness, empathy and a willingness to be assertive without being aggressive or manipulative. It requires us to be proactive instead of reactive, honest instead of passive-aggressive, and solution-oriented instead of problem-focused.